so many emotions

Seven Daughters Wine, Gray Malin Positano Italy, Navy Blue Velvet Couch, Leopard Throw Pillows, Colorful Living Room

Wow, I’m not even sure where to start, but I’ve got to start somewhere… I’ve had so many different thoughts and emotions swirling through my head, and I’ve so desperately tried to sit down and write this post, but my brain just feels cloudy — any clear concentration seems to have left the building during this quarantine. Last Monday seems like a month ago. And the Monday before that, a year. As of two weeks ago, all of my work and personal trips had been cancelled, and while I was bummed out, I understood it was for the best. When I would see and hear of day-to-day life being disrupted for so many all over the world, things felt pretty scary, but I felt like I was doing my best to stay informed by doctors and scientists. I’ve been extra vigilant about hand hygiene and extra mindful about germs for weeks (really since before I had the flu last month), but I was trying to remain calm and not let the fear creep in.

And then by the time last Monday rolled around, the world had seemingly changed on a dime. There’s so much uncertainty of what will happen next, how long this will last, the obvious health fears, and how bad the economic impact of all of this will be. Yet somehow at the same time, my intuition tells me that we will come back from this better than before.

My mood seems to keep flip-flopping from day to day… One day, I’ll be on top of the world and so positive and think, “We can totally do this! There’s so much good that can come out of this time.” And the next day, I’m in a depressive funk, crippled with anxiety, and bored out of my mind. Some days, I’m doing at-home workouts, eating super healthy, and not drinking alcohol, and on other days I’m ordering a pizza and downing a bottle (and a half) of wine.

Sometimes I’m on a rollercoaster of emotions that changes by the hour. Panic, joy, helplessness, peace, fear, empowered, lonely, annoyed, sad, happy, you name it.

I’m so, so grateful that I have a job that allows me to work from home, and that a good percentage of what I do is completely online. But at the same time, I’m really scared of what’s going to happen and what the future holds. All of my upcoming partnerships were travel and event-based, which were all obviously cancelled, so I have absolutely no idea where my next paycheck will be coming from, let alone when. And when you’re self-employed, there’s no unemployment, no sick leave, and no paid time off. But I will say, I’m very thankful I don’t have any employees that rely on me during this time! And even though it seems like work is at a complete standstill, I’m grateful that I’m still able to generate some income online via affiliate links, and I’m hopeful that a few partnerships will land in my inbox sometime soon.

As for client appointments, obviously those aren’t happening right now either. And while I do offer virtual styling, no one has anything on the calendar to get styled for right now. I’m confident that part of my business will pick back up when all of this is behind us, but I’m just not sure when that will be.

I think digital marketing will obviously be up during this time of quarantine and social distancing, and I do think influencer marketing will increase as this year progresses. However, I know that when times get tough for companies, marketing budgets are always the first to get slashed. So who really knows what the future holds!

I’ve taken a lot of time to think about the content I want to be putting out right now. On one hand, talking about clothes and shopping seems completely tone-deaf, but on the other, I know we all need some happy distractions from the news. While my blog has always been a bit of an escape and a source of positivity, I also feel a social responsibility to use my platform for good. I’m also very cognizant that this is a scary financial time for most, so I want to be respectful of that and not simply pushing products at you in order to make a few dollars. But, as with anything, I guess it’s all about trying to find a balance! So please know that I am trying my best.

I’ve decided that my Friday Finds series will only be joyful, uplifting things, at least until things return to some version of ‘normal.’ A colorful collection of things I’m window shopping, along with happy articles, too. I’ve also revised my posting schedule to hit a lot more wellness, mental health, and personal narrative over the coming weeks. With some relevant beauty posts sprinkled in, too, because we could all use a little pampering while at home! And I’ve also challenged myself to get out of pajamas and still continue What I Wore Last Week during the quarantine, even though they won’t be that fashion-forward, so look out for that on Mondays.

If you have any feedback or thoughts about what type of content you’d like to see during this time, please don’t hesitate to let me know! I’ve been very on top of my Instagram DMs these days, and you can always comment below or write me an email, too.

And if you’re at all interested… I figured I’d also share an honest look at what I’ve personally been going through these last few weeks…

In January or February, you may have seen me do a bunch of polls on Instagram Stories about a new business venture I’ve been working on the last few months. Even before Coronavirus was impacting our lives here in the US, production on that project got majorly delayed due to everything being shut down in China. (First with CNY, and then with Covid-19.) While production has picked back up in China, our goal was to launch mid-April coinciding with Coachella, so obviously that’s been a big let down. Not to mention, the product is crowd-focused, so, to be frank, there’s really not much need for it any time soon, which is pretty disheartening, to say the least. I’m trying to remain positive and look at the bright side — so much more time to perfect the product, design, and our launch strategy! #fingerscrossed

Additionally, I’ve been so aware of the fact that I’m single during this time. While I luckily don’t have anyone judging me that I’ve been wearing the same set of sweats for three days straight, I have to admit that I see people quarantined with their baes and so longingly wish I was in that position instead of mine. My love language is Quality Time so the thought of getting to be quarantined with a loved one seems so much more enjoyable. But at the same time, I will admit that I feel so very fortunate to not have kids yet. I’m sending so much love to those who are having to figure out homeschooling and at-home childcare now that schools and daycares are closed! I know I could have it much worse.

But man-oh-man, what I would give to be quarantined in Florida or California right now! When I see people getting to take walks in the warmth and sunshine or getting to lay by the pool in their backyard, I sort of want to cry considering I’m currently looking at a light dusting of snow out my window. And don’t even get me started on my jealousy of people who are quarantined in their beautiful homes with at-home gyms, decks, yards, etc. 😂 Of course, I know I’m so fortunate to have a roof over my head and a pantry full of food, but when I scroll on Instagram, it feels very obvious that not all quarantines are created equal, haha.

Selfishly, I’m annoyed this happened right now. I can’t help but think, if only this would have held off another month or two, I could be quarantined in my own apartment, instead of in a house with (random) roommates. I so desperately long for the alone time I used to have in my old apartment, and think this quarantine would be much, much easier on me mentally if I actually liked where I lived.

You may have seen me mention a few weeks ago that I was potentially going to be moving a few months ahead of schedule (mid-March), and unfortunately those plans fell through at the last minute. (Of course, not before I wasted a week of my time touring apartments, only to learn the subletter was never that serious. 🙄) So needless to say, it is/was such a tease thinking that I could have been quarantined in my new place and spending this time getting settled there if all of that had worked out. And now, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to start looking for places again or even when I’ll be able to move, but I’m just trying to trust that everything will fall into place when it’s meant to.

While I’m scared shitless most days, I also want to be strong. For myself and my friends, but also for you and the community here that I’ve spent the last decade building. I was recently reading about how people with anxiety are actually doing okay during this time, as we’re very used to feeling like the world is ending on a daily basis. And, thankfully, we already have the tools in our repertoire to get through tough times. But for a lot of people, this might be the first time they’re experiencing true anxiety, and obviously that can be a very scary place. So over the next few weeks, I plan to share a lot more on that front, and hope I can be a resource! And if you need anything and aren’t sure where to turn, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Sending so, so much love to you all, but especially the medical professionals working hard and putting themselves at risk to keep us healthy, to the people who don’t have the option of not going to work, the people that are currently out of work, to our grandparents (and parents!) in high-risk age groups, and anyone else who is immunocompromised. ❤️

We’re all in this together, and we’re going to get through it!

xoxo jessica

Leave a Comment

11 Comments

  1. 3.23.20
    Julian commented:

    Thank you for this post. There are so many layers to all that’s going on in the world, but we truly are all in this together!

  2. 3.23.20
    Maureen commented:

    Thank you for sharing this post. There’s so much uncertainty that it’s so hard to only feel one way. Like you, I have good days and others I have to glue myself together with super glue just because I simply can’t do it for myself. I know you had so much going on, on your plate and I know that it will happen again once this time has passed. Hang in there and sending you lots of love. Stay safe and happy Monday!

    Maureen | http://www.littlemisscasual.com

  3. 3.23.20
    Sara commented:

    Such a great post with good perspective, thank you for sharing!

  4. 3.23.20
    Cynthia commented:

    I’m also so thankful I don’t have kids. I mean it is an active choice that I don’t have kids but this is a reminder of why I don’t want them.

  5. 3.23.20
    Kristina commented:

    Thank you for this post. It’s so uncertain for all and it helps to hear that others feel that way.
    Stay healthy!

  6. 3.23.20
    mackenzie commented:

    Hang in there, Jess! I feel you on the anxiety front – it’s so hard not to think about “if this wasn’t happening right now I would be/feel …” and get myself into a spiral of hypothetical better situations. It’s also so hard not to fear the unknown. I’m just being thankful for what I do have – my health, a cozy home, job security, etc.
    Idk if I missed this, but you are living in a house?! With roommates? Your kitchen and living space looked beautiful in the workout vids you posted! Fingers crossed that the move works out sooner rather than later for you

  7. 3.23.20
    Jillian commented:

    Thank you for this post! It is literally every emotion I’ve been feeling! I’m single but work for a large national bank so I’m considered essential. No quarantine over here. But our hours are shortened and without my family or friends, it’s incredibly lonely coming home from work. And working in the financial world, I’m more scared for the economic impact. And then what that economic income will do to people on the mental/health side of things. It’s a scary time and we’re all just trying to get through as best as we can. And I think that’s all we can do right now. Hang in there and as soon as there’s things to do again, I’m 100% hitting you up for a virtual styling!

  8. 3.24.20
    Veronica commented:

    Jessica, I love and relate to this post so, so much! I’m a bundle of emotions and it all comes at random times.

    Like you said, trying to see the silver lining.

    Yes, I’m single but at least I get peace and quiet. I’d kill for a spacious house in a warm climate over my tiny condo in Canada but at least I’ve got something.

    I love the tone and mix of content you’re planning. Look forward to continuing to read. 🙂

  9. 3.24.20
    Maria commented:

    This is why I keep coming back to your blog. Your honest content and wholeheartedness makes it feel like i’m talking to an older wiser single friend. Thanks for sharing, sending you good vibes in these difficult times.

  10. 3.24.20
    Laura commented:

    I really enjoyed reading this blog and it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I feel like we’re in the same boat. Being single right now sucks- everything in the dating world is put on hold for now. I’m thankful that I can do whatever I want though! With no kids to worry about. I recently moved back with my parents and I’m actually thankful I’m here than with random roommates that I hate 🙂 trusting that everything works out. Looking forward to more blog entries!

  11. 3.26.20
    Heather Clark commented:

    thank you for this!! I know if you knew me, you would think we had nothing in common, and yet I keep reading your blog, because I love your honesty! I am 44, married with 3 boys, and yet in many ways I feel as if I can relate, which is a credit to you and your writing. I understand the anxiety and how you need to take things day to day. Thank you for your honestly, and for helping even those who aren’t in the same age bracket feel like someone understands!!